Men: It’s Time to Man-Up!

Marriage: A Promise Made…A Promise Kept

In early August, my wife Michelle and I will celebrate our twenty-fourth wedding anniversary.  Wow…twenty-four years!  It is hard to believe we’ve been married that long.  In 1986, Ronald Reagan was president, the Challenger exploded, cell phones were pretty much non-existent, the personal computer was just coming on the consumer market, and gasoline was an average .78 cents.  Times have indeed changed.  Where did all that time go?  I’m not sure.

These twenty-four years of marriage have had their fair share of ups and downs, celebrations and sorrows and laughter and tears.  They have provided great opportunities for us to know more about how the reality of life feels in the midst of trying to pay bills, raising a family and moving ahead in a career.

Over these many years God gifted us with three very unique children who we love more than we ever imagined – even when they now clean my wallet out to cover all their college and high school expenses!   I’ve changed jobs more times than I ever imagined when I graduated from college.  We moved from house to house several times – both in town and out-of-town.  We survived the birth and death of a small business that I originally thought would be a great success.  We saw a life-threatening illness wrap itself around our oldest son, yet made it through that very, very difficult period in his life.  We also experienced the death of my father and the onset of Alzheimer’s disease with my mother.  Yes, both good and bad times.  More good than bad.

As I reflect on these years together I also find myself returning to what has kept us together.  It is easy to say love has kept us together – just like the old Captain and Tennille song.  And, yes, it’s true:  I was – and I still am – madly in love with this woman.  Love is the gift God gives us to cover the relationship.  The love we have for each other is the glue that keeps the marriage together.  However, I believe there is something much more important.  It is the covenant – our marital agreement – we created that provides the foundation of our union.

On that sweltering August day in 1986 we stood before church, family and friends and made a promise between the two of us and God stating we would commit ourselves to each other during the good, the bad and the ugly of the marriage.  I know I didn’t realize the importance and magnitude of the word – covenant – when I was younger and eager to start a new life with Michelle.  But now, twenty-four years later, I have had time to truly understand what a covenant means and how our marriage relationship is bound by it.

Covenants have been of great importance from the beginning of creation.  God’s covenants show the moral and judicial importance of a promise and their role in our lives.  He made a covenant with Adam (Covenant of Works) based on life for obedience and death for disobedience.  The covenants with Noah, Abraham, and Moses illustrate God’s love for His creation and His people.  The Covenant of Grace fulfills the Covenant of Works by Jesus’ death on the cross as a substitution for our sin and unrighteousness.   I am confident our marital covenant, ordained by God and of great importance to Him, is reflective of the one made with us through Jesus Christ.  Consider this passage from Ephesians:

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” – Ephesians 5:22-33

Marriage covenants are not made to be broken, yet couples are breaking up in record numbers.  Less than half of marriages today are expected to last –Christian couples are not excluded from this statistic.  Our society has made it very easy to dissolve a marriage with “no-fault” divorces.  Divorce attorneys are working overtime to handle the case loads on their desks.  And, those couples who want to make it more complicated for the other spouse can pay attorneys and mediators large amounts of money to get “their fair share” or punitive satisfaction out of the marriage.  Many times this comes at the expense of children.

We recently heard the sad news of a couple we have known for many, many years separated and heading toward divorce.  It shocked both of us.  We don’t know why the marriage collapsed, but we suspect it is something or someone else capturing the husband’s heart as it was no longer the woman he married thirty-one years ago.  It reminded us how easily the evil one can find a crack in our relationship, bring a crow bar to the union and tear it wide open so he can destroy it.  Michelle and I know this could happen to us if we are not constantly on guard and seeking God’s guidance for strength, unity, peace and perseverance.  Marriage is tough and Satan can easily show any couple an “out” if they yield to his deceptions and deceit.

Divorce is a grievous thing to God.  In the Gospel of Matthew we read:

“And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” –Matthew 9:3-6

These are just some of my thoughts on the view of marriage and the importance of the promise I made twenty-four years ago.  If you are married, I would encourage you to look at the relationship between the two of you and see how healthy it is right now.  Do you embrace the covenant the two of you made?  Do you feel you are committed to each other now as you were when you both said “I do”?  If not, seek some guidance from a pastor, marriage counselor or trusted advisor who can walk with you to process your feelings and concerns.  It will be well worth it.  Don’t let your marriage bond change from “a promise made” to “a promise not kept.”

Grace and peace.

JMG

CLICK HERE for three marital nuggets Michelle and I use to stay in “forward motion” with our marriage.

3 Marital Nuggets

These three simple ideals within our relationship that have assisted in up girding our covenant of marriage.

1.  We both like each other. Liking someone and loving someone are quite different, yet, they must go hand in hand.   If you don’t like the other person, it is very difficult – if not impossible – to truly love them.  I like being with my wife.  We have a great time together.  We don’t always agree, but we do find common ground and respect each other in our togetherness and in our unique individuality.

2.  We communicate with each other. This is always “easier said than done”, but Michelle and I have never had a problem talking about issues we are facing as a couple. We may disagree and argue from time to time, but at least we are communicating.  When a couple is silent and not sharing their feelings they are moving further away from each other – creating a gap in the relationship that can be a fertilizer for discord and separation.

3. We care for each other. When I got married I was not looking for a new “mother figure” that would take care of me when I needed it.   Nor, was Michelle looking for a “father figure” who would act like her dad.  However, we both were looking for a relationship where each person would empathize, sympathize and not patronize the other.  We wanted to always be there for one another and defend the other when someone else would try to create harm or hurt.